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Posted: Feb 13 2018, 12:45 AM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
Yue was finally starting to feel comfortable in Seoul. The constant bustle of the city, the shining and flashing lights of neon signs and illuminated skyscrapers, and most of all, the noise -- an endless stream of it enveloping his senses like a tide crashing over him. Bursts of colors danced all around his vision as he heard cars honk and rev their engines, cell phones ring, bus doors open, the constant patter and shuffle of footsteps on the pavement. Simply leaving the dormitory was often an overwhelming experience, and it made it difficult for him to develop any sense of homeliness in this new country when he couldn't even walk around the city in which he now lived.
But like the many other obstacles he'd encountered in his life, he found a way to adapt and adjust. He carefully accustomed himself to the many noises of the city and compartmentalized him, and forced himself to focus on one particular sound, such as the sound of a groupmate speaking to him as they walked to a restaurant together. His groupmates had been quite insistent on showing him around Seoul, and he had trouble articulating his reluctance. After two years of immersion in the Korean language, he was getting a fairly decent grasp on it, but earlier on it had been especially difficult to communicate his feelings.
Even now, he wasn't sure how to explain to any of his groupmates this unusual sensory perception of his. They could probably sense that there was something just a little off about him, the way he fixated or shied away from certain sounds, but they could just dismiss it as his unfamiliarity with the city and the language. His chromesthesia still remained a small point of insecurity for him, especially when he didn't believe himself capable of properly communicating what it meant to have this perception in a language that he wasn't expertly articulate in. And for him, it felt strange that he should have to explain it at all, since it was a sense that was as natural to him as tasting or smelling or hearing.
But it was unusual. He was unusual. Quirky, some people called him. He tried not to let the descriptor make him feel even more isolated than he already felt. People meant it in an endearing manner, he knew that. Fans were very fond of him, and his groupmates were very caring, and he cared about them all just as much in turn. But it didn't quite override that feeling of loneliness that always lingered just on the fringes of his mind, even when he was in a room full of people. There was always some sort of void, and he often found himself glancing around the room, looking for someone who wasn't there.
At first, Yue thought he hadn't been there. Some sort of phantom had drifted past him when he was walking with his group in the Sky Line halls that day. He stared after him as he walked by, but the other didn't look at him, and when Yue turned around to try finding him again, he had disappeared around the corner, as if he'd never been there at all. The shimmer of hope in his heart dissolved just as quickly as it had come. Yue was used to these apparitions, these phantom sensations, the kind one might feel after losing a limb. There was definitely a piece missing. Several pieces, but one was most prominent above all else.
It couldn't be him turned into It looks just like him and then It has to be him and finally, It's him.
He knew not just by his face, but the sounds. The colors. There was no one else in the world that brought those warm, glowing hues to his mind. There was no one else with a voice like his, with music like his. No one could speak or sing or whisper or murmur in the same way he could. Years had gone by since Yue had last saw those colors, but when he heard the soft, flowing chime of a piano drift down the hallways, the overlay of a graceful voice following the melody, and he saw the beginnings of those all-too-familiar hues of red and orange float into his vision-- he knew. He just knew.
There was not even the smallest sliver of doubt in his mind now. There were only those colors, and the surety that made his heart swell and shine so much he thought the sun must be swallowing up his chest. He felt almost dizzy with the feeling as he followed those colors, shades that only intensified into a rich array of warm, vibrant colors. His heart was quivering as much as his hands. These colors he had so longed to see again, and the person to whom these colors belonged...
The practice room door was opened just a sliver, yet the sound that bled from that small crack in the door was pouring in the empty void of his chest a feeling he thought he wouldn't experience again. A person he thought he wouldn't see again. He was just behind this door, Yue knew there was no mistaking it. There was no one else in the world.
There was no one else but Fen sitting at that piano, his eyes closed serenely as his fingers glided with effortless grace across the keys, his voice a smooth echo of words from a time so long ago. Yue thought not just of colors but of places - when they sat in the spring grass together, or criss-cross on the dirt floor of Yue's home, or on their long walks to school, crafting little melodies and stringing together words into colors, into music. It had an enjoyable way to pass the time back then, as well as a special little treasure the two of them shared, but now - now it had been shaped into something truly cohesive, truly beautiful. Remastered, refined, but still truly them.
And as he stepped further into the room, he found himself softly singing along to the words they'd put together themselves, his vision swimming with colors of the sunset, Fen's voice swirling in rich red strokes, his own voice - always a pale blue - mingling with that richness to produce a splendor of colors. Fen was utterly mesmerizing as he sat at the piano, his body swaying with well-practiced familiarity as his fingers followed the keys, his mouth shaping the syllables.
When it ended and they lapsed into silence, Yue felt as though he couldn't breathe. That he shouldn't breathe, shouldn't make a single sound or movement, or this moment would be lost forever. That this apparition would fade just as all the others had. But Fen was right there, right in front of him, here and solid and real. And he couldn't stop himself from uttering the name that had, for several years, drifted only in his mind as an unspoken yet ever-present thought. "Fen," he said softly, delicately, as though speaking of something valuable and precious - and he was precious, so precious, immeasurably precious. It had been so long since Yue let himself cry that he didn't notice the first tear roll down his cheek.
Posted: Feb 13 2018, 02:29 PM
All I wish is to dream again
@Feng Yue | 1357 words
Hans had that habit of waiting until he no longer heard the bustle of crowds stampeding through a room before finally moving from the spot he’d settled himself In. Obviously, it was a mean of protecting himself, it was too hard to tread through the halls with the echoes of feet shuffling, people murmuring, and general life living bouncing off the walls that Hans needed to follow in order to get to his next destination. When he was younger, the anxiety would be so great that he would have panic attacks over it, or just in general would freeze up into a corner until someone, usually his mother or tutor, came to rescue him. There was just too much input, too many sounds overlapping each other, and nearly impossible to single out even one of them to find his bearings. It had been a process, a very long learning process consisting of constant trial and error, over and over, before he finally got the hang of it. While Hand still had trouble sometimes, he essentially had no choice but to become an expert at moving through places he couldn’t see. It was either that, or live a hermit for the rest of his life.
He hadn't quite learned the layout of the massive SLE building just yet, so that was another reason why he took his time. His mentors in the company were thankfully both understanding and patient. If [boyfriend name] were here, then Hans would depend on him to lead him around the place, to tell him all the things he couldn't quite make out. But that didn't mean Hans was incapable of doing it himself. It was just easier with a partner. And it was a good exercise for one to do with their partner. Bond building and stuff.
Once he was certain the way was clear, Hans gathered up the remains of what was once a very specifically organized meal, obviously one he brought from home. Hans pressed the lid back into place over the container and slipped it into the side pocket of his backpack, where he usually kept it. Then he slung the bag over his shoulder and stood back from his chair. The lunchroom had indeed become fairly empty over the last few minutes, so this was his chance to make a break for it. Hans smirked over that phrasing, imagining himself saying it to [boyfriend name] as they quite literally made a break for the door before the next wave of people rushed in.
Hans stopped shortly out of the doorway and oriented his position. Where did he want to go next? He remembered from the tour of where he could find x-y-z, and since he'd already mapped out x and y... by default, he should go to z! He glanced slightly in the direction he wanted to go, then stepped off with his right foot, silently counting the steps he strode. Another habit. Counting footsteps. He probably didn't need to, but during first time explorations it was always a bit hard not to. Hans touched the wall with the tips of his fingers, trailing them along as he moved at a steady, deliberate pace.
Another hallway. He took it, another smirk appearing. He could imagine his old teacher yelling at him for being so risky, for moving so fast, but.... it was fine. He would be---whoops, those were stairs. Wow, those sure were stairs and they sure did go down.
Hans gripped tight to the railing, feeling his heart beat against his chest at the sudden surprise and slip. Someone close by murmured something to him and he gave a quick nod, assuming they'd asked if he was alright. Yeah, he was fine. He hoped that's what they asked, his Korean was very elementary right now... no, more like pre-elementary. Like, goo-goo, gaa-gaa, mama, dada level. But... he'd get the hang of it! Soon....
He descended those stairs without further incident at least, even managing to realize there was a second set of them before experiencing 'wow those are stairs' 2.0! But anyway.... where was he again? Hans turned his ear down the hallway, picking up a few faint noises that were probably meant to be music. Wow, music in a music entertainment company, who woulda thunk it! Practice rooms? Or recording? Only one way to find out!
The adventurous boy continued his uh... adventure into the unknown, excited to be able to enjoy this sort of exploration to the fullest without someone badgering down his neck over 'being more careful'. He was fine, he was fine.
One door later, Hans was poking his head into what appeared to be an empty training room. Probably was empty, he didn't think anyone was in there, and one call out into the distance confirmed it (wow, those acoustics!). Was it any surprise that once Hans discovered that not only was the room empty, but it had a mini-grand piano conveniently sitting there in the corner of the room, that he would plop right down in front of it like it was his very own? Heheh, he found the music room! He found his future (permanent) dwelling place! Obviously, Hans was going to sneak away to this place as often as he could, provided he didn't get in too much trouble once caught (because he definitely would be).
He felt the keys beneath his fingertips, feeling them tingle and twitch with familiarity of the keyboard. He pressed down on the keys, getting a feel for the weight of each one. He exploded into the key of Eb Major, cascading through the chords one after the other from one end of the piano clear to the other. Well... now that he was warmed up... what to play....?
Of course, Hans knew what he wanted to play, but... well... he would admit that he was a little shy about playing it around people, or in any area where anybody might be able to overhear it whatsoever... but at the same time, it was one he wanted to share with everyone. And it was most certainly his favorite.
With tender, delicate fingers, Hans depressed the keys into the first chord, extending it for a moment as he closed his eyes and soaked in the emotions of the harmonies. Then he continued, following with words he'd long forgotten the exact meaning of, but of which he could feel wholly the weight of their significance. He'd worked on this song over and over again, and even still he didn't feel it was complete. There was still something missing. Always something missing. Something more he could add, something he could change.... something missing...
He barely sensed the presence of someone else entering the room and for a moment his tempo slowed as he panicked for a micro-second over having been found. But even so, he had to finish. He wasn't going to stop until it was over....
He heard singing...? Not just his own voice, but of someone else? Someone else matching his words, matching his melodies as he poured them from his soul. He missed a note, and another chord came out crunchy, not what he was intending, but still he kept on playing. He wasn't going to stop. He was forcing himself to continue, because... if he didn't stop, then he didn't have to face whoever was in there with him. He wouldn't have to ask uncomfortable questions, fearing whatever answer he might receive. He wouldn't have to find out who this person was standing off to his side.
But all things come to an end, including this song that was borne from distant memories and dreams of his childhood, half of which he wasn't even sure were real. This was real, wasn't it? He wasn't dead nor dreaming? The room was silent save for the quiet breathing of two individuals along with their strongly beating hearts. "Fen." Fen.
Such a small word, barely even a sound, and yet the significance it held, the emotion with which it was spoken seemed to permeate through the air, swirling and enveloping Hans in an aching feeling of nostalgia. Fen. That was... "[How do you know.... that song...?]" he asked the person in a voice that faintly trembled. His head dipped down, his eyes barely open a sliver, though kept focused on the keyboard in front of him. "[How do you know my name.....?]" he whispered, though the answer was obvious, wasn't it? He had to be sure.
Hans reached out with his hand towards the person, slowly turning his gaze to face them, though his eyes remained unfocused as they stared at the space in front of them. He swallowed nervously. "[Come here.... please?]" he asked, hoping that the other would understand somehow. "[I have to see, please....?]" Hans was trying to keep his voice from trembling, though despite his efforts to sound normal, there was an urgency present. Anticipation. Excitement. Terror. He could hardly breathe.
Posted: Feb 13 2018, 05:09 PM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
Yue froze up when he was met with an unfamiliar language combined with the all-too-familiar colors of Fen's voice floating in his vision, his mind going blank as he tried to reconcile the polar opposites. Fen was talking to him, and it was definitely Fen’s voice, but... Yue couldn’t make any sense of the garbled tongue he spoke, and Yue wondered if he was perhaps having one of his Moments again, when all his senses seemed to mix and blend into an incomprehensible tangle of sensations.
But he didn’t feel panicked, he didn’t feel worried—he felt... calm. Certain. The trembling of his heart wasn't borne of fear but of hope and relief and something that ran deeper than he could fathom. How could he be afraid when it was Fen? How could he cry when it was Fen? He used to cry all the time when he was younger, a much too sensitive child in a cruel and unfair world. Fen was always a stabilizing presence in those times; he'd stay with Yue until the tears stopped, even if Yue was crying over something childish and selfish.
He couldn't remember the last time he had cried. Yue made himself stop crying because it started earning him nothing but punishment. Realizing the wetness on his cheek was a tear that had escaped instinctively shot an electric bolt of panic through him, and he quickly covered his face, wiping away all traces. Fen had turned to face him - he didn't know if Fen could really see him, and it occurred to Yue that he didn't know much about Fen at all anymore. Where he'd been all this time, how he got here, this strange tongue he was speaking. Yue was sure he wasn't just imagining it now. Fen was speaking... absolute nonsense to him.
Even so, the warm orange of Fen's voice drew him in, the familiar gesture of his best friend's hand held out to him making those tears want to fall again, the back of his throat growing hot as he stifled them. He felt like he was drifting through open air as he made his way towards the other boy, his heart fluttering so much he was sure it would leap from his chest and take to the skies. When he delicately took Fen's extended hand in his, it was like a heavy rush that sent him back down to the earth, an anchor that was just as stabilizing as it was dizzying.
"Fen," he practically whimpered, swallowing thickly past the knot of emotion in his throat, and he held Fen's hand in both of his own. He shouldn't cry, he didn't have to cry, not anymore. His lips broke into a wavering grin as he sat beside Fen on the bench, slowly bringing his friend's hand up to his own neck, where Fen would be able to feel his way to his face. He didn't know how well Fen could see, or if he could see at all, and Yue was having a hard time putting all the pieces together in his mind when all he could think about was the warmth swimming in his chest, the warmth of Fen's hand, the warmth in his vision.
"Did you learn a new fairy language?" he murmured in their native tongue, lighthearted amusement gradually displacing the tightness in his voice. When Yue and Fen had been caught up in that fairy fantasy of theirs as kids, they thought perhaps his father didn't understand the language they were speaking to them, so they tried to create a special language of their own, experimenting with all manner of sounds, whatever would summon the fairy king to them. Fen was speaking some kind of foreign language to him, but Yue couldn't place its origins. There were too many questions springing to his mind in this moment and he couldn't sort through them all. "You'll have to teach it to me."
Posted: Feb 13 2018, 09:55 PM
All I wish is to dream again
@Feng Yue | 630 words
"Fen," the voice said again, and the ache heard in that voice jutted straight into Hans' equally aching heart. It really couldn't be, could it? The hand Hans held out was touched by a hand that was familiarly warm. So warm, so gentle. So---
And closer the other person came, and every step they took, every inch closer they became, the more suffocated his lungs became, drowning in every breath full of a desperate emotion he hadn't felt in years. A hand he hadn't held in probably a decade, since before he ever knew the name Hans.
Fen. Fen was him. He was Fen. Hans knew that, and yet it seemed so much like he was thinking about someone else. Someone who wasn't him. It was some other kid who was stolen away from China at such a young age, who was thrust into a world of strangers, someone else who used to run through the streets of the village alongside his best friend, who would climb the mountains and immerse himself in the ambience of nature. A boy who, even before the accident, would close his eyes and just listen to the world around him. A boy who once could see the face of his best friend. His best friend, who barely seemed real anymore in his memories for how long ago it was, for how fantastical the impression of him was. A fairy prince whose father left him in the womb of a human woman, and bestowed upon him the unique gift of being able to see the color of sound. Surely a person like that wasn't real.
But who else would know him? Who else would know the name Fen? Who else would know the melody Hans crafted from that distant memory, the words that Hans barely recognized as having meaning. Who else, but...? "Y-yue....?" he said uncertainly, as if he'd just been visited by the ghost of someone who passed long ago. Yue was a ghost, a spirit, a sprite of the forest, and yet he was right here, touching him, talking to him, moving closer, sitting beside him, and looking at him. At Fen.
Hans bent his elbow as the other boy moved closer and guided his hand up to his neck, and from there, Hans slid his fingers up to touch that phantom face. His other hand joined it in a moment as they both cupped either side of this face that was right there in front of him. Right there, and he could barely see it, and yet just from trailing his fingers over the familiar contours of that face, he knew. He knew.
"Yue...!" he said again, his voice cracking as he sounded out a name not spoken in years. Hans cupped his hand behind Yue's neck, his other wrapped around his torso, and pulled Yue in close, pressing the other boy into his shoulder. "[Yue... my god you're really here.]" He buried his face into Yue, breathing in that scent, that aura he hadn't felt in a life time. "[I thought you were a dream....]" That his memories were playing tricks on him, but no. He was here. Yue was real!
Hans pulled away to hear Yue speak to him, and he froze, eyebrows shooting up as he nervously tried to recall the words of a language not spoken, not even heard in... well, almost ten years. "I.....fairy?" He felt like he should know what that meant, and it was just right there on the tip of his memory, but... Hans' expression sank almost guiltily in response. Hans spoke carefully, afraid that maybe he wasn't even saying what he was trying to say. "I'm sorry.... it's been a long time..." He didn't understand. Not completely.
Posted: Feb 13 2018, 11:03 PM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
"Yes," he affirmed breathlessly when Fen uttered his name, that beautiful rose hue framing his vision as he sounded out the syllables. He clutched Fen's hand tighter like he was afraid the other boy might suddenly drift away. Yue wanted so badly to weep with relief, to just cry and cry like he did as a child, cry for no reason at all, cry because of everything in the world.
He was beaming as Fen's fingertips traced over his face, mapping him out in soothing and familiar motions, and laughter bubbled out of him shakily yet blithely when the boy spoke his name once more, pale rose blooming in his vision. "Yes, it's me. It's you..." Yue made a small sound of surprise when Fen suddenly pulled him in, his mind accepting the gesture as one very familiar and welcome while his body instinctively stiffened, alarmed, then forced itself lax.
It was just Fen, it was just a hug. He brought his hands up to slowly rest against Fen's back, as if he couldn't quite remember what a hug was. There were many things he remembered about their childhood, and of course he couldn't forget the number of times he and Fen had wrapped their arms around each other - in joy, in celebration, in comfort, in grief. Yet his body was having trouble accepting this message from his brain.
He blinked, staring at the wall over Fen's shoulder, just letting those orange hues spark in his vision as Fen spoke into his shoulder in that strange language, his voice muffled yet his sentiment clear. He nodded against Fen's shoulder, practically nuzzling him, as he echoed those same feelings, that pale orange that dropped into darker shades, touching the beginnings of red. I missed you. He closed his eyes, watching those colors linger and dance across the darkness, and he felt himself calm down.
The white noise that vibrated numbly throughout his body was steadily displaced by a sense of bliss and excitement as the adrenaline pumped through him again, his brain reminding him that it was Fen, it was Fen! It was Fen, who... seemed troubled by his playful words, and for a moment Yue felt nervous that he'd brought to mind an unpleasant memory. After all, it was hard to fully detach their days of make-believe with the accident that had forced them apart.
He was about to apologize, but Fen did it for him. Yue opened his mouth to say something and then closed it, puzzled, tilting his head in concern at Fen's guilty expression-- then his heart sank right along Fen's when he heard those words.
"You really did leave China..." Yue said faintly, mostly to himself. Then he shook his head as if to clear away his own troubled thoughts, and he smiled at Fen though he was increasingly certain that Fen could not see him. He took both of Fen's hands reassuringly in his own. "That’s okay. Um..." He paused for a moment, his mind running laps to find a solution. "I... I don’t know. I don’t understand." He didn’t know a single word of this foreign language that Fen was speaking. He didn’t even know which language it was. Yue spoke his Chinese in simple, stilted sentences, partly for the benefit of Fen, partly because he couldn’t fathom how so much had been lost.
But it had been... how long, now? Seven, eight, nine... almost ten years since they had last seen each other. The realization dug a painful thorn into his chest. If Fen had spent all that time completely away from China, then Yue couldn’t imagine how out of touch he was with the culture, with the language they’d grown up together speaking.
Suddenly Yue felt like he was standing alone in the middle of Seoul again, overwhelmed by the noise, the people, the unfamiliar language and strange signs he couldn’t read. Just a small Chinese village boy swallowed up by the vastness of the sprawling city. He missed China, he missed his language, he missed his people, he missed his village, he missed his childhood—he missed that time before everything had changed, he missed living in ignorant bliss of the absurd cruelty of life. They were times he would never get back. The person Yue was back then could never be the Yue he was now. And Fen wasn’t the same. He sounded the same, he looked the same, he felt the same, but now Yue was acutely aware of this bridge growing between them. That same isolating feeling of being surrounded by people and unable to speak to any of them.
But spoken language wasn’t the only mode of communication they’d developed between them. They had many ways to communicate, and not all of them required sound. Fen had developed an acute sense of touch and physical sensation when he was adapting to his blindness, and the two of them had been able to use it to their advantage. It was simply a matter of whether or not Fen would remember it. And if he didn't, then they'd just move on to the next one...!
He turned over one of Fen's hands to expose his inner wrist, then he slowly, carefully traced a pattern over it with his fingertips, spelling out one of the many patterns they'd made together: 'Good'. Then 'Happy'. Then 'Yue'. "Remember?" Yue gave him a hopeful smile, then he echoed Fen's words. "It's been a long time." He traced out another pattern. 'It's okay'. 'Fen'.
Posted: Feb 14 2018, 12:49 AM
All I wish is to dream again
@Feng Yue | 868 words
Hans didn't fail to notice the awkward stiffness that overcame Yue's body as he was clutched and embraced into his own, but it was easy to think that it was simply because of the moment. So many things going on at once, it was no surprise that things might be a little awkward. So much time had passed... it was impossible to think that everything would be exactly the same as it had been. But just the same, reuniting with just this much, just having the proof he needed that Yue actually existed, that those feelings he experienced as a child weren't merely inventions of his imagination; just being able to hear Yue again, to feel him, to touch him, it was more than enough.
Just being able to hold Yue in his arms again was enough to make life beautiful, to make this world beautiful, to make the day and night, the sun, moon and stars more spectacular than anyone had ever known.
This was what he was missing, what Hans had been searching for all his life to fill that hole which had been left empty ever since the day he departed from his life in China, which may as well have been eons ago. As much kindness as he received from his parents, from his teachers and the friends he met since arriving in Germany, always, always there was an emptiness that not even the brightest of days could fill. Always, like he was missing a piece of himself, and that piece was left behind in the faraway land of his birth. It was the reason why he held onto such childish dreams and fantasies, and why he never allowed that song from his memory to fade into obscurity.
This was the reason why he'd come all the way out here to Korea, wasn't it? He didn't know it at the time, but it was for this moment that he felt that urge so strongly when presented with the opportunity. It was his senses, it was fate, it was something magical and supernatural which told him that this was the only option he could take. That if he didn't, then his life would forever be incomplete. It was to be here, to meet Yue. To find Yue. "[I missed you so much, you have no idea...!]" But now he was here! Yue was here, and real, and alive, and...!!
Hans didn't know what to say. Or he did know what to say, but how to say it was even more of the problem. It'd been so long... but had it been too long? Too long for him to recognize the things his best friend was saying. No... the words were there, it was just a matter of finding them again. He... he knew. He didn't know how he knew, but he knew. He couldn't say exactly what it was he knew, but... he knew. "Yes...." he said softly, his grip on Yue's hands tightening as he battled against those feeling of frustration. He smiled in what appeared to be to mirror Yue's own grin, though it could have simply been coincidence. Even Hans couldn't say for certain, but in his mind right now, he could say that Yue was most definitely smiling. Trying to be a comfort to Hans... no, to Fen. "I know. It's, uh...." Dammit, he didn't know the word.
"German. I am Germany," he finally said in what was probably the worst Korean he'd ever constructed. Hans knew he'd said it wrong, but whatever, big deal. This was Yue, and he deserved all the best and worst efforts Hans could give him. No matter how panicked or flustered those efforts made him.
Hans sat up, raising an eyebrow curiously as Yue turned his hand over to expose his palm, and then.... He took a slow breath as Yue traced those patterns, those characters over his skin, each one with meaning that Hans could feel so strongly in his heart, but which he couldn't quite assign words to. "Remember..." he echoed, focusing intensely on those sensations. "I remember...." What did he remember from this...? Hans turned his hand over again, brushing his fingers over Yue's forearm and doing the same, turning his hand over to expose Yue's inner wrist. "I remember..." Carefully, he traced his finger over Yue's skin, uncertain of word, but confident in the motions, the order of movements.
That's... a lot of what he felt right now. A love so deep, so strong he was already about to break in two. For a friendship so strong that they'd found each other again, after ten years passed and a dozen oceans and seas between them. Tenderly, Hans lifted Yue's palm, rubbing his thumbs gently along the soft, warmth of his hand, and leaned in to press a kiss inside it. "I remember." Slowly, Hans opened his eyes, turning them upward where he could focus them onto Yue's face. A grin slowly broke across his face, revealing the top row of teeth in unmistakable joy. He leaned in a little closer and tilted his head slightly, his eyes straining, searching. "I... see you."
Posted: Feb 14 2018, 09:13 PM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
Yue was certain that Fen wouldn't miss how his body stiffened against the embrace, but if he had any questions about it, then he didn't speak them out loud. Even if he'd asked, Yue wouldn't have an answer for him. This was the one person in the world he could unhesitatingly bare his soul to, the one who could read him like an open book-- and perhaps the was needed to be emphasized in both those statements, because nearly a decade had passed and neither of them were the same. They could hardly understand the language the other was speaking.
So much had changed, but that was alright. Yue and Fen had countered plenty of obstacles in their lifetime. This was simply another one they'd have to face - and just like they used to, they could do it together.
It didn't seem bad at all when he put it that way. This was a monster of an obstacle they had in front of them, an entire mountain... but after so many years of yearning, of wishing, of chasing after this childish dream of his, it had finally paid off. His suffering hadn't been for nothing. The universe always demanded balance, and when there was pain, there would eventually be love and happiness, too. Yue wondered if this would be a new and better chapter of his life, where the scales finally tipped in his favor and he'd get to experience only the best parts of life.
This was definitely one of his best parts. Even though his body revolted against it, his mind could capture the warmth and joy of this moment and tuck it somewhere safe where Yue could recall it again and feel the warm glow of it.
He waited patiently for Fen to piece together a sentence, all the while basking in the glow of Fen's smile; could his friend see him smiling, too? He wanted to ask, but every opportunity that arose seemed ill-timed. Yue was surprised when the other boy replied to him in clumsy Korean than Chinese - had his Chinese deteriorated to such an extent? - and his mind took a second of jogging to catch up to what he'd said.
"Germany?!" Yue echoed in shock, his eyes wide. He... couldn't remember exactly where that was, but all he knew that it was in a place a very long ways away from China. So Fen had been speaking German. Sky High had many international fans, and while Yue had been doing his utmost to cram as many different greetings and basic vocabulary into his head, German wasn't one he'd exactly caught onto.
"It sounds so interesting..." he said musingly. "I thought it was some kind of fairy speak." He kept speaking in Chinese even knowing Fen wouldn't be able to catch all of it, but even if he ended up essentially talking to himself, he loved being able to freely speak his native tongue in the company of his best friend. He beamed, adding simply: "Fun colors." The sounds that the German language produced were so interesting, adding yet another intriguing dimension of colors to Fen's voice colors.
Yue really wanted Fen to remember this, if nothing else. It had been one of the first new modes of communication they developed when Fen first lost his sight. They ended up holding hands nearly all the time, so much that one might think the two of them were intertwined with one another, quite literally inseparable. With the loss of sight, Fen had needed to depend on other senses, and physical touch was one that he'd already known very well with Yue. So they made these patterns together, taking turns tracing it on each other's skin, memorizing the feeling of each one carefully.
Yue held his breath in anticipation as Fen turned over his wrist in his hand, wondering which pattern he might remember, if any at all. Did he know the ones that Yue had traced on him? Did he understand the feelings he was trying to relay? Did he--
Yue couldn't seem to get his breath back. It was like those churning tides within him had stilled entirely, waves upon waves of questions and worries calming into a lull. He was looking out onto a spring, the gentle hum of nature enveloping him in warm and familiar colors, and just as warm and familiar was Fen's hand in his own. Yue felt as though his heart was beating too fast to even feel it beating as Fen gently smoothed his thumbs over Yue's palm, then pressed a soft kiss against it - sending a ripple across the spring waters, the pond in Yue's chest undulating, trembling.
He felt his heart in his chest, then, when Fen gazed upon him with that smile. A slow, steady beat against his ribcage, like the ticking of a clock. Yue didn't move an inch when Fen leaned in closer to him; he just took in every detail of his best friend's face, where the childish softness had curved into smooth cheekbones, a tapered chin, a delicate jawline. Roseate oranges bloomed in his vision when Fen softly spoke to him, his eyes searching for him. Three words. One answer to a dozen different questions.
Yue felt calm. He felt certain. "Yes... Fen," he breathed, and there simply wasn't enough air in his lungs to do more than whisper. Yue's hand that the boy had brought up to his face turned to gently cradle the side of Fen's face. "I'm right here." And it felt only natural that he should lean in himself, to close the gap, drawn to Fen's person as naturally as he'd always been, and Yue pressed his lips gently against Fen's.
Posted: Feb 14 2018, 10:59 PM
All I wish is to dream again
@Feng Yue | 1263 words
Hans was struggling undeniably with figuring out how to effectively communicate his thoughts to Yue. The Chinese was there, just in bits and pieces and he hadn't quite found them all... it would probably take a while to find them all. But he'd never learned the Chinese word for the place he'd been taken away to when he was a child. He didn't even know if there was a Chinese word for it, or if it was just another word loaned into his native language. But they weren't in China right now. They were in Korea! So naturally, Yue probably knew a bit of basic Korean by now... Hans didn't know how long Yue had been in Korea, but he probably knew the terrible stuff that Hans only picked up out of a "helpful phrases" booklet. So, there was that... at least. That was another way they could try...
In the end, there were no words which could describe how frustrated Hans was with himself right now. Why hadn't he tried harder to keep his Chinese? Had he really just... given up that much? Accepted that he would never go back? It sure seemed so at the time, especially with so many people telling him that this was his new home now, so many people telling him that China was too far away to just go out and visit on a whim. That he needed to learn how to live there, because... that's where he lived. Chinese was useless when everyone else was speaking German. How could he think of going anywhere when he was so busy trying to make sense of this new place he'd been thrown in against his will? How could he retain anything of his old life when this new life was being forced on him so fervently, with barely a chance to breathe? How could he, when he was learning how to see again...?
Despite knowing the reasons why, and the circumstances... he could have tried harder. Maybe found other people to speak with, to keep those memory muscles strong, or even just listen to music in that beautiful language of his homeland.... and yet he didn't. He just let it die, didn't he....? Fen thought he'd done everything he could to keep those memories alive, to keep Yue's memory alive in the song and music they both sang as children, but... he failed. Fen failed Yue in that respect, and Hans would never forgive himself.
It was okay, he tried to reassure himself again. It wasn't lost, just... hiding. And Hans would find it again! He would! And the first step was just to keep trying. To keep listening to Yue... even if he wasn't completely sure of everything Yue was saying... or what he himself was saying back.
Hans paused, slowly processing the idle murmurings of his best friend, then shook his head. Right, fairy. Okay. "No... not fairy. Just people, from a far place." Hans smiled, feeling a bit like a child again learning how to speak. How could he forget so much? "[I'll teach it to you, if you want.]" He felt like maybe this was something Yue would want to do.
Though at the mention of colors, Hans' expression changed dramatically as the rush of the meaning behind that overwhelmed him. "Color! Yes! You see color sound, yes??" he urged onto Yue, as if he desperately needed that confirmation to be able to go on with his life. Hans rocked his head back, feeling that heavy weight finally pull off of him, feeling a sudden excitement and relief over that validation. No, his memory wasn't wrong. "[They told me I was crazy, that there was no such thing...! They said we were just playing games or that you weren't real and fairies didn't exist and....]" Well, fairies didn't exist, but... Yue still saw sound, music, whatever as color... he wasn't just playing with him, right? Hans refocused his 'gaze' to Yue, leaning in slightly. "....orange...yes?" That was the color of Fen's voice, right?
Hans lost a lot over the years, but maybe it was just because there was nothing around to remind him? If there'd been just one person.... if Yue were there with him, then he wouldn't have... but it'd only been a few minutes they'd been talking, and Hans already felt like a door had just been unlocked, like a box containing everything he was, everything he had been back in China, everything he knew was suddenly opened and all those things were released all at once, and Hans was just trying to filter through it all, trying to make sense of it one memory at a time. It was there... just put away for a very long time... and now he could finally pull it out again and brush off the years of dust. Finally, he could use it again. With Yue.
He felt it, that this word he'd traced on Yue's palm carried a lot of weight to it, a significant meaning that he was on the verge of exploding with right now. He wanted to convey it somehow, and a kiss was the closest he could get. It felt natural. Perfect. Right. This was what it was supposed to feel like, and there was nothing else in the world comparable to this feeling. So peaceful and warm. So full. Hans didn't know if he'd ever felt so complete in his life.
Hans wanted to see Yue. Even if just for a moment, he wanted to see him with his own eyes, to look at him with a sense that he'd completely lost the last time they were together. It'd been so long since he'd seen Yue's face, so even if it was hard, even if he had to be no more than an inch away from Yue's face, Hans wanted it. It was a if touching his hands and hearing his voice wasn't enough... and it wasn't enough, because Hans wanted everything. He wanted to know all of Yue, not just from those two senses. He wanted to see him again... and he did. It was fuzzy and disjointed, but if Hans moves his head and looked from another angle he could get the rest of it, he could piece it together and paint the picture of Yue's beautiful face in his mind. And there he would save it forever, always remembering and always smiling when he did...
Lips pressed to his lips and Hans jumped slightly, not having expected it, his eyes fluttering in his momentary confusion. But it was just that, only a moment, before Hans grinned into the kiss and pushed his lips right back onto Yue's.
They were warm... soft... they made Hans' tingle from his lips and down his back and in his stomach where those tingles flipped and rolled with excitement. With a giggle, Hans pulled away just to push forward again, wrapping his lips slightly over Yue's as he kissed him again. And again. And again. Hans slid his hand up to Yue's collar and cupped it gently behind Yue's neck, the tips of his fingers combing shallowly into Yue's hair at his nape, all as he continued to peck and patter Yue's lips with more kisses. "[I missed you.]" Kiss. "[And...]" Kiss, kiss. "[I love you...]" Kiss. "[So much...!]" Hans felt his eyes starting to water, the emotions finally tipping him clear over that edge. A tear fell down his cheek as he pressed yet another kiss onto Yue's lips.
Posted: Feb 18 2018, 05:40 AM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
Yue giggled softly at his friend's response. "Of course~" His eyes dropped a little. "Fairies aren't real." The illusion had shattered piece by piece - that wonderland the two of them had constructed over the years being taken apart like a puzzle; or maybe more like it was shredded in a wood grinder the moment the back of Fen's head struck that rock, and Yue just kept trying to put it back together. He knew the pieces wouldn't fit anymore, not like they used to, but he tried anyway. What else could he do except keep trying?
He tipped his head curiously when Fen made another statement to him in German, shades of dark green intermingling with Fen's orange; Yue didn't know what he was saying, but he felt like Fen might be asking something of him. "I want to understand," he said determinedly, bobbing Fen's hands up and down with his own for emphasis. Learning Korean had been difficult, and it still was difficult, but it was fun to learn about a new language and culture, expanding his world beyond the little Chinese village he'd lived in for so long. It'd be nice if they could converse regularly in Chinese again... but after spending so long in that foreign country, Fen's German upbringing must have been important to him, so it was important to Yue as well. And to be able to share yet another language with each other would be a thrill.
Yue's smile turned a little bemused when Fen's demeanor suddenly exploded into energy at the mention of his chromesthesia. His frantic urging in broken Chinese was muddled a bit, but Yue could catch what he was saying, and he laughed again. "Yes! I see colors in sounds. I can see your voice. And your music. That's how I found you." Yue wasn't certain why Fen was so excited about it, but his enthusiasm was contagious, and it made Yue glad that Fen recalled it at all. It would be easy to dismiss the concept of seeing colors as some strange childish phase. He didn't admit his chromesthesia to anyone now because so many had believed he was making things up or there was something wrong with him. It was hard enough to explain it in his native language, much less in Korean.
Yue grinned with that contagious enthusiasm, curious as to what Fen was saying to him in German now, but Fen was practically breathless with excitement, an emotion that brightened the orange floating in Yue's vision with little tinges of yellow. "Orange," he affirmed, his smile softening when Fen focused his gaze on him. He loved being able to look at Fen's eyes, to take in his face like this, even if he wasn't sure if his friend could see him back. Still, it was more than enough to be able to see Fen again and to be this close to him. "A very beautiful orange... and sometimes there are reds and yellows and purples too..." He shifted his hand up a bit to play with Fen's bangs. "Like a sunset." Yue wondered if that Chinese word would resonate as familiar with Fen. He hoped he did... and if he didn't, Yue would be sure to show him the meaning - not just the Chinese character but the colors and the well of emotion the word had to the both of them.
The most beautiful moment with the most beautiful colors, the most beautiful sensations, the most beautiful smile he felt against his lips before Fen pushed back in for more, sweet and warm kisses that made Yue's heart feel so light yet so full. It felt right. It felt natural. It felt perfect, this fluttering sensation that vibrated through him, a feeling of warmth and security that he hadn't experienced in so long he'd forgotten how much he'd missed it. Needed it. Needed Fen. It was such... a relief... it was such a weight off his shoulders that he felt like now even the smallest of breezes could topple him over.
But there was Fen and his lovely warmth and his sweet kisses that Yue breathlessly giggled between when they parted, and Fen kissed him again and again and again, and Yue would be perfectly content if he never stopped. A tingle went shivering down his spine when he felt Fen's hand on the back of his neck and his back involuntarily arched a bit, a shallow gasp escaping him as his eyes fluttered shut. "Fen," he mumbled between giggles and kisses, unable to articulate more, having no need to articulate more. It was just Fen.
He still didn't understand what Fen was saying, but those words brought to his vision the beautiful colors of spring, hues of green and yellow and orange and pink mingling together and he could feel it all filling his chest up, filling up that gnawing void that had existed in it for so long.
There was a lovely crescendo of pale red. He could still feel that symbol lingering on his wrist. Love. This was nothing short of love. This was something more than love. It transcended language - it was a feeling, an instinct, a beautiful color. Yue's hand that wasn't cradling Fen's face was still intertwined with the other boy's, and he traced a small pattern on his skin with his thumb. Love.
Their last kiss lingered, and Yue felt something warm and wet brush the hand holding the side of Fen's face. He opened his eyes slowly, as though waking from a dream, and realized that it was a tear that had fallen down his friend's face. He pulled back a little. "Don't cry," he murmured, gently swiping his thumb over the tear trail. "I'm the one who's supposed to cry." Yue smiled and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, tasting the salty tang on his lips. "Don't cry, Fen. I'm here." He brought Fen's hand up to his chest. "Right here. My heart." Beating steadily, surely. "For you." He clutched Fen's hand tighter and kissed him again, murmuring against the other boy's lips. "Always for you." It didn't matter how far apart they had been, how much time had passed since they saw each other, how little they could communicate between the two of them. Fen had always been in his heart. It had always belonged to him; from the very start, to the very end.
Posted: Feb 21 2018, 12:40 AM
All I wish is to dream again
@Feng Yue | 1263 words
Hans creased his eyebrows forward in confusion. "No...." he uttered, though wasn't sure what to follow up with, in either language. Did he say something wrong? Or was he hearing it wrong, that something changed in the tone of Yue's voice? It wasn't an intentional means to shatter that dream, what Hans had said, merely a mindless correction as he sifted through words that for the most part merely sounded familiar, but which he didn't wholly grasp the meaning of. There were holes in his memory, some things which stood out more than others, and he cursed himself for not being able to simply pick up where they left off before they were separated. Before Hans... before Fen was taken from the village...
He felt like... like he'd lost a very important part of his identity and never realized it, that it'd been replaced by something else a little bit at a time, so slowly that before he knew it... It was confusing, to say the least, but they'd figure it out! Fen and Yue never had much trouble communicating before, and even with ten years, an ocean, senses, and languages separating them, they still found each other again, and still could understand one another like they shared the very same heart, it seemed. Hans squeezed Yue's hands as the other boy shook them, grinning widely as it felt like they were having the same conversation despite using different words. "I know," he said, feeling a warmth overtake him at Yue's answer, and also a bit of excitement for being able to share with Yue.... everything, basically. Everything he'd experienced while so far away, all the things he'd learned, the people he met, the family who raised him.... everything.
Everything from Germany that had basically replaced the person Hans used to be. It was an understatement to say he felt guilty for that... and maybe even a little afraid. What if there was something precious that he lost and didn't realize? There were just so many things, so many things already he was struggling with, familiar things that seemed at the same time foreign to Hans, but which shouldn't... Memories that were fuzzy and incomplete, memories that no images to go with them, others that he was afraid to touch...
The one thing that was consistent in all of his memories, however, was Yue, and wasn't that enough? The memory of his voice, his touch, the image of his back as he chased after his dreams while the child Fen chased after him without a second thought. He chased and followed all the way until he slipped on that mountainside and tumbled out of the fantasy they played in and into the dark reality of the world below. Into his new reality where he could no longer see the beautiful world that he spent his days with beside a person who never ceased to be important to him for even a moment. A new reality where he could never hope to see the world that his friend did and told him about every day. Always, always he’d wished he could see the world the way Yue did, and in trying to, he instead lost everything, as if being punished by the Gods for daring to covet the gift they’d bestowed upon their child.
But that too was just a dream. Just a fantasy he told himself to rationalize what had happened, to stay any bitterness which might have been borne from having followed behind his friend so blindly. He didn’t want to taint his memories, his feelings towards his friend because of his own carelessness. Yue was too precious a person to him for that. Fen never blamed him. Only himself, for being....
Ah, it wasn’t important now. What was most important was that his memories weren’t wrong, Yue could see the color of sound, the color of music! That was the one memory which stood out to Hans the most from his childhood and he was relieved a hundred times over that they were just as magical as he remembered them, even if there wasn’t any real magic behind them. Yue had a gift that.... well, Hans wasn't exactly sure how it worked. "[How does that even work, though...?]" he asked idly. "[I mean, um....] How? How do you see?" Though he wondered if he'd even be able to understand Yue's answer when it came... or if Yue knew what he was asking... but they'd been doing okay so far-ish, so it was okay....ish.
Orange. That was the color of Fen's voice, Hans remembered that much. Of all things, he remembered that specifically. And vaguely, subconsciously the words that Yue continued with, the colors dancing through his mind as they were listed off one-by-one. 'Sunset'. "Beautiful," was the word that came to mind to describe it. He'd said this before, surely. Over and over again, he'd said it when Yue described his voice to him, when Fen would sing softly, serenely out off the mountainside, out into the forest they'd crossed through to get to their own private little sanctuary. Beautiful.
That memory alone could bring tears to Hans' eyes, though with the well of emotion filling him up with every touch and kiss he shared with the person from his memories, from his dreams and fantasies, it was natural that Hans would be completely overloaded, overwhelmed with his past suddenly flooding into him. Everything was just... so much... And somehow, he hadn't realized just how desperately he'd missed it all. Everything. Yue. Home. China. Everything. It was suffocating, the nostalgia of a life he'd spent so long not thinking about... maybe even avoiding thinking about at times, because he knew it was a place he couldn't go back to. Or a place he thought he could never go back to. Never to return. Never to see or hear from again, people he'd never meet again, a language he'd never speak again....
It was too much, and the tears wouldn't stop falling, even as Yue doused Hans with kisses and comforting words, still they fell. "F-for you," he repeated, echoing the words Yue was telling him. "A-always... my heart too.... I...." He didn't cry back then. He never cried, not about that, and now he couldn't stop. "I love... I w-want..." Hans squeezed Yue's hand as it gripped tighter around his own, trying to stay the trembling that was radiating out from his shoulders to his fingers. His face was hot. His eyes were burning. His throat was tight and wouldn't let him breathe, wouldn't let him speak. Hans dropped his head, resting their foreheads against each other. "I want... t-to go home..." he stammered, feeling a decade's worth of emotion spill out of him in that one, small phrase. "W-with you... I love.... please...." Fen sobbed.
Posted: Mar 9 2018, 12:10 AM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
There was nothing more that could be said about it. None of it had been real, that wonderful fairyland of theirs, that sweet and innocent world -- but their feelings and experiences together had definitely been real, and Yue took great comfort in that. Beneath the illusion of it all, there was still something definite and concrete between them, a connection that still felt as strong as ever even if the years spent apart had somewhat weathered the tether between them. He could tell Fen seemed a little troubled, maybe misunderstanding something, maybe not remembering at all. But... "It's okay," Yue said simply, softly. It was okay. It would be okay. It had hurt for a long while... it still hurt, sometimes, knowing that they could never go back to that place, to those sweet and simple times.
So many things had changed - it was only natural. And even oceans and years apart, they gravitated to one another, communicated with almost as much ease as they always had. But Yue was afraid of the moment that Fen would realize that Yue had changed. That he'd been twisted. Corrupted. He wanted Fen to keep that fairylike image of him forever, someone rare and special and pure, not someone like... the thing he'd become now.
And how many things had Fen lost, too? It was apparent enough that he'd fallen out of touch with his language and culture. He wondered how much Fen remembered of him, of the village. He wondered if feelings of hatred and resentment had ever bubbled up in Fen, emotions that simmered quietly in his chest until they burst with violent thoughts of Yue's fault, Yue's fault, Yue's fault. Yue couldn't ever forgive himself for what had happened. Again, that haunting mantra drifted in his mind: things could never be the same again. Change didn't have to be a bad thing. It was natural; it was inevitable. But, oh... that childish dream he kept clinging to -- all he wanted to do was go back to those times, to a better place.
How selfish of him. How childish. Even so, he kept yearning for it desperately.
Yue made a curious sound when Fen made what sounded like an inquiry to him in German. The ensuing clumsy clarification made Yue smile; it didn't make his question much clearer, but he could catch the general gist of what Fen was trying to relay. "I just... see. It's almost like when you get stars in your vision. The way they spark in and out and float around..." It was quite a complicated question that Fen was asking, so trying to answer it in a simple way was proving difficult. "My brain gets things mixed up." That was the short of it; it was a crosswiring of sensory pathways in the brain. It had taken Yue some time and research to fully understand himself, especially given that the condition wasn't well understood in the first place.
Yue's smile turned soft and warm when Fen echoed that word almost instinctively. "Yes, beautiful," he affirmed softly, gently squeezing Fen's hands. "The most beautiful thing I've ever seen." There was nothing in the world that compared to the colors of Fen's voice; nothing that came close to the comfort and security those colors brought him, the way those beautiful hues soothed and enveloped him. There was nothing else in the world... no one else in the world...
"Fen," he murmured in a low, wavering voice, still trying to quell his friend's tears that couldn't stop falling. Ah, Yue wanted to cry. He wanted to break down and sob and scream and cry. Yet somehow, even watching those tears stream endlessly down Fen's face, his own tears wouldn't fall. They were trapped in a tight knot in his chest, a prison of his own design. His heart kept beating steadily. He let Fen speak. He let Fen cry. Years of emotion spilling out in one great flood. Love. All along, that was what this feeling was. This hope, this yearning, this desire. I love... Yue felt calm and certain. Their foreheads came to rest against one another's, and Yue didn't stop cradling the side of Fen's face, cheeks ruddy and tear-streaked, lips trembling, shoulders shuddering.
"We'll go home," he whispered, keeping Fen's hand over his chest so he could feel the beat of his heart. Slow, steady, certain. "Together. We'll be together, Fen. I--"
Someone's phone started going off.
The sound jarred Yue from this moment so harshly that all he could do was freeze up, his heart seeming to skip a beat before kickstarting into a rapid thumping. As if some sort of veil had fallen away, so did his certainty, his confidence. Why did a simple ringtone rattle him so terribly? He pulled back a little, his grip on Fen's hand loosening. "Fen...?" he asked uncertainly, realizing the tone was coming from the other boy's side. He should probably answer it, right...?
Posted: Mar 17 2018, 01:36 PM
All I wish is to dream again
@Feng Yue | 1693 words
Yue being able to see the color of sound, of music had always been an amazing mystery to Hans, something that he over and over again wished he could experience as well. He was envious of Yue's world and the world he saw, so it was no surprise that as a child he would try to imagine what that world looked like to his beloved friend. Even after the accident, even after being taken thousands of miles away to a foreign country, he found himself thinking back on that unique ability of Yue's, pondering its reality or lack thereof.
When he discovered his love of the piano, or rather, re-discovered his love for music, that fantasy of his, those memories also shaped the music he created, constantly wondering what the color of his music was when he played it. He would even go as far as to think he saw it himself, despite being able to see nothing at all. His imagination was continuously active, always moving and changing based on this concept, and he was eventually regarded with high praises for the music he composed, even at such a young age. Hans 100% credited that to his memories of Yue, however fantastical they were, however faint and blurred they became over the years.
How the other boy's vision actually worked was always a mystery to Hans, however. There were too many times when he questioned its validity at all, or wondered if it was just an elaborate, childish fantasy, a game the two of them played together and took too far? Or if Yue was only playing games, and Fen was foolish enough to believe his words without question, so blindly? But that was just it, though... Fen believed Yue, when no one else would! He believed even when he had no proof, even when the adults told them it was just silly child games... If it turned out to be just that, that his faith was so mistakenly placed so greatly in his best friend, then he would have been deeply saddened.
Hans tilted his head when Yue explained the answer to the older boy's inquiry, suddenly being slammed with a lot more words than he anticipated, and he froze a bit, biting his lower lip as he tried to keep up... and mostly failed. Wow... he really had lost a lot, he thought. This was becoming ridiculous at this point, and.... perhaps a little bit comical in how the two of them, despite having the language barrier between them, continued to try and communicate to each other like this. Fen broke into a grin, shrinking back a bit as he stifled a laugh, then shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” he admitted, feeling both amusement and a sense of despair wrap over his heart. This seemed impossible... would they ever be able to connect like they used to again? He wondered... The second part of that explanation, however... the simpler part of it, he did catch more of. “Ah! Brain...." he repeated, sounding like a dumb child who could only repeat the words he heard and vaguely understood. "[Yeah, that would make sense, I think.]”
Hans was no doctor, he wasn't some scientist, or any sort of man of science, nor even on the opposite spectrum as a terribly religious man, but... he did know at least a little bit of how the brain worked and how it interacted with the senses of the body. He had to know, to make sense of what happened to himself when he was trying so desperately to live without his vision, which he depended upon so much until it had disappeared. The doctors, the educators, the people who helped him cope also explained to him how it worked, what happened to his own brain that caused his loss. Hans could imagine that maybe... possibly... it was something similar for Yue, only the exact opposite. Whatever happened, Yue gained something, instead of losing it.
Regardless of how he gained this ability, it was always a gift that gave Yue something beautiful to see all the time. The flowing and blending of colors, like the sunset, as Yue described. Absolutely beautiful. Yue’s gift was beautiful.... Yue was beautiful, and Hans wanted to see him, yet all he could do was hear him, and think back on those faint memories from when they were children. He could almost see him now, but it wasn’t ever the same as it had been. There was so much missing now.
So much, so many holes, and yet his mind wanted to remember it all, to selfishly take it all back. Hans didn’t know if he’d ever stop crying and all he wanted was to hold his best friend forever, to communicate his love in every way fathomable, to appease any doubt that Yue may have of how important he was to Fen. He loved Yue. He loved Yue.... that much he knew without a doubt in his mind. This was what love was supposed to feel like, what he’d been waiting for all his life. The kind of love that made his heart ache just to think about, yet at the same time made it soar, and made him cry and laugh all at once. Fen loved Yue and.... probably always had, if he thought back to his feelings toward the boy back when they were kids. Of the days from when he could still see, and his gaze was always completely endeared by Yue’s smile, his heart enraptured by his laughing face, and later his sweet voice, and his gentle touch. Fen missed Yue’s touch, yearned for it desperately, and now it was right here for him to have all as his own again, and it would be nothing for Fen to simply dive in again for another kiss—
A phone started going off and it took Fen a brief moment to realize that it was his own. Not only his own phone, but the ringtone he recognized as being for...
What... had he just been doing...? No, he knew what he’d just been doing, but what was so surprising was just how easily he forgot about [insert name here] (We'll call him Wyatt). His... boyfriend. The man he was supposed to love, the one who came all the way out to South Korea with Hans, who had been by his side, supporting and helping him and at the same time treating him like a human being and not a blind cripple. Though that didn’t mean he didn’t worry when Hans overstepped his limits... which was often...
This was... he felt awkward. Like he was hiding something now as he pulled out his phone to answer it. “[That’s.... mine, sorry...]” he muttered as he was broken from this overwhelming spell of memories, visions from the past, this little world where only he and his childhood friend Yue existed. He was hiding... but what was he hiding... and from whom? Hans reached to his back pocket and pulled out his phone, using practiced fingers to feel out the shape of the device and press the answer button. “[Hello, Wyatt?]” he started, reverting completely back to his German tongue. “[Yeah, I’m okay, I was just exploring the building... oh.... sorry, I didn’t realize, I got distracted....]”
He couldn’t hide the disturbance in his voice though, nor on his face, and Wyatt seemed to pick up on it. Of course, he did, they'd been dating for... a while. “[No, there’s nothing wrong, I just... I just got done playing, so I’m a little out of it... the acoustics here are amazing.]” He tried to make his voice sound a little more relaxed, less strained, but it wasn’t quite working. He wondered if Wyatt would be able to tell...? He didn’t seem to.
“[Okay... I’ll meet you out front then... No, I don’t need you to come get me, I’m not a baby, god...!]” Wyatt could be such a suffocating mother hen sometimes.... like Hans couldn’t do anything himself! It was irritating... “[Right, right... I love you, bye.]” Hans turned off the call. He felt... like a liar. But again, he didn’t know to whom. Hans kept his eyes mostly closed as he raised his head to face Yue. “I have to go. Can you take me upstairs?” He asked this, again switching to Korean, the language where he’d memorized the few phrases that would help him the most in this country as a visually impaired person.
He wasn’t happy to have to leave and it showed. Hans hesitated even in standing, sitting there on the piano bench with Yue for as long as he could, his palms firmly planted flat on its wooden surface... but Wyatt was already up there waiting for Hans, so he couldn’t linger too long... “I’m sorry.” He didn’t specify for what he was sorry for. For something he couldn’t articulate well in any language. He was stalling... Then without warning, he reached forward to pull Yue in for one final, emotion-filled kiss. “Tomorrow... “ he breathed. “I’ll be here tomorrow again. Come see me.” He worked here now, so they had plenty of time to know each other again. There was so much more for them to talk about, so much more to learn.... the few minutes they spent together just now were far too few.
Finally, Hans stood from the bench, swinging his leg over to the outside and setting both feet firmly on the ground. He sighed and stood carefully, unlatching the stub of his collapsed cane from his belt. He probably didn’t need it, but Wyatt would get on him if he showed up with it still on his belt. So, he extended it and touched the tip to the floor with a tap that echoed well through the large practice room. He reached out towards Yue with his other hand. “I’m ready,” he announced, a warm smile finally emerging as he felt the nostalgia overtake him again. Lead the way Yue, he thought. Be my eyes again.
Posted: Mar 24 2018, 11:05 PM
like dreaming of angels with words unspoken, a silent devotion
Yue realized his error too late as he caught the way Fen's expression froze up when the boy fruitlessly tried to keep up with his explanation in Chinese. It just came so naturally to Yue to speak to Fen in their native language that he hadn't thought twice about it, even though he'd already been made aware that Fen was missing a considerable portion of his fluency... this would definitely take some time to adjust to. It was a little... Yue tried not to despair over it too much, over how much had been lost to the years. They could rebuild. If it was the two of them, they would find a way. So long as they had each other, they'd always been able to counter any obstacle.
And now that Yue had Fen by his side again, he felt more confident, more comfortable than ever. He felt complete, he felt a wholeness he hadn't experienced in a very long time, that void in his chest suddenly being filled to a wonderful sense of bursting now that Fen was here, speaking to him, touching him, kissing him, soft and tender yet imbued with the deepest passion. Yue really... he really loved--
That jarring ringtone suddenly ripped away that deep, trancelike well of emotion in which Yue had fully immersed himself just moments prior, and it took him a moment to recover from it, his heart pounding as unstable sparks of anxious red flashed across his vision. Yue couldn't explain what felt so wrong about it. Something was strange in the way Fen's expression shifted, the way he spoke, dropping back into the tongue he had become much more comfortable with. As expected, Yue didn't understand a word, but he could see it, those hues of unsettled dark yellow like impure gold. This was... wrong...
He gazed quietly at Fen as he held his strange conversation with the person on the other end. He saw the shifts of emotion, little nuances, pieces of a history that was completely unknown to Yue, splotch lazily and linger anxiously in the borders of his vision. Fen was forcing himself to relax for some reason. Yue couldn't think of what might be so anxiety-inducing for Fen... was he just feeling off because of how suddenly they'd been interrupted? Did it have something to do with the person who had called him? And who had called him, anyway...?
Yue's gaze was intense and probing as he listened attentively to all that Fen said. Again, not a single word could be understood, but he could see the feelings. They didn't seem to be terrible feelings, but... they didn't seem very good, either. It was wrong. It was all wrong. And Yue thought he caught a familiar phrase in there that Fen had spoken to him just moments before - how had it gone again? Ick leab...?
Yue had a deeply troubled expression on his face when the phonecall ended. He wasn't sure what to make of this. He would never distrust or doubt Fen for any reason, but that entire transaction had left Yue feeling... off. Fen was clearly feeling the same way, judging from the subdued, almost defeated expression on his face. Yue realized he wasn't holding Fen's hand anymore, and there was a hollow feeling slowly carving itself out in his chest. He wanted to reach out for his hand again, but something made him hesitate for a moment.
"Yes, of course," he said with a soft smile, his heart lifting a little to know that Fen still needed him. His eyes flickered down to Fen's hands, which were pressed firmly into the piano bench, as though he were trying to cement himself to it. Yue gently placed one of his hands atop Fen's, smoothing his fingers soothingly along the back of it before slowly taking it in his own. "Don't worry," he murmured, raising Fen's hand to rest it against the side of his own face again. A self-indulgent action, perhaps, but he wanted Fen to touch him again. He wanted Fen to... he didn't want Fen to leave. He just wanted to stay in this moment forever. He leaned his cheek against Fen's palm, biting his lip as that familiar tight, burning sensation simmered in the back of his throat again.
His eyes instinctively fluttered shut when Fen suddenly kissed him again, his stomach erupting into butterflies, chest swelling with warmth and want and despair. Why did it have to end? Why did Fen have to go? He blinked slowly at Fen when he pulled away, trying to drink in the remnants of this intimate moment. "Tomorrow," he confirmed quietly. "I'll be here for you." He would be here even if Fen hadn't asked.
Yue relinquished Fen's hand from his grip as the other man steadily rose to his feet, his movements careful yet well-practiced, and he observed with some fascination as a strange little object at Fen's hip suddenly straightened out into a full cane. The singular tapping sound made a small, subtle firework of color briefly burst in his vision, and somehow Yue was immediately fond of it. His heart thrummed pleasantly in his chest as Fen offered his hand to him, which he accepted immediately as he rose, twining his fingers with the other boy's.
"Let's go, Fen," he said warmly, squeezing the boys hand. Let's go together, just as always.